Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Gina Torres' InsaneJournal:

Friday, August 28th, 2009
2:59 pm	009 - Secret Life Being an Education Major is hard. Being a non-traditional student is hard, too. Trying to do either while trying to hold my family together and hold a job? Super duper hard. This, plus a string of unsuccessful dates (and Lydia's refusal to produce some hunky Georgian brother of Ethan's who would obviously be perfect for me in every way, not to mention the fun double dating potential), has me convinced that I don't have the time to date anyone. I barely eke out time in my day for myself, and I don't want to share that little dinky amount of time with some guy. The time to myself I do get is usually divided between hanging out in coffee shops with my laptop, pretending to be studious or mysterious, or it's spent in my bedroom with the door closed, reading or watching TV on DVD. Megan, one of the moms of one of the kids at the daycare got me started watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family. Mostly because Megan herself got pregnant in high school and she drops off her daughter, Libby, at the daycare so she can go to classes at UW. She lent me the first season on DVD, and I got caught up in high school drama and Molly Ringwald as a mother and the ridiculousity of the whole thing. Elena and Mel have even watched an episode or two with me. There are just some parts that we laugh at together. Because the girl on the show got pregnant the very first time she ever had sex, Melly swears she's not having sex until she's married and thirty-five. I couldn't tell if she was making a joke or not. I try not to let Diego know that I'm watching the show because it reminds him that Carly's pregnant, which isn't really a subject I like to bring up in the house. Plus the guy who knocked up the high schooler in the show is a lot like Dustin, personality-wise. A charicature of him, at least. It's frightening. But Carly's not fifteen, she's twenty-two. She's not married, but she's been with Dustin for years now, and it's a stable enough relationship. They're both excited about the baby, and that's important. It's not like Dustin is sitting there with itchy feet, ready to run at the prospect of being a father. He already acts like he's devoted to Carly. Why wouldn't he be devoted to their child? But I'm not going to talk to my brother about that. Because it's not something he can understand. It's not something he wants to understand. God. I spend my free time watching ABC Family. What a thing to advertise. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: Dar Williams || When I Was A Boy (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 20th, 2009
2:57 pm	007 - Relative Terms My brother and Maggie. Do you call it dating? I don't know. I don't know if they go on dates or whatever. But they're together. An item, I guess. I don't know what I think about it. I think it's good for him to start dating again, especially since he hasn't seen anyone seriously since he left whatsherbitch, and that was awhile ago now. I don't think he's been serious about anyone since her (but I'm not going to pretend like he's been entirely chaste in that amount of time. That'd be stupid), and now... he's decided he's going to be serious about Maggie? I'm not an idiot. I've wondered if something was going on with the two of them since I met Maggie. But she's been with Dai and then there's Trefor and all of that, so I didn't know what the hell was going on with all of that. Maggie is practically family. She goes above and beyond to help our family, by doing way more than she should. I can't count the number of times she's helped us out, even before we could ask her. Maggie and I had a talk about things, and she was frank and upfront about the fact that she was seeing my brother. I can't say the same about Diego, though -- he didn't say anything to me. He probably figures it's none of my business, but how am I not supposed to see the way they are around each other? There's a physical closeness that wasn't always there. Or maybe it was always there, but they both resisted it. I don't know. I'm sure they've been together. She wanted to make sure that I knew that this wouldn't change our relationship. I guess she worried that I might feel like the friendship she and I share might feel less... significant? with Diego a priority in her life. Believe me. I can't think of a single other person in this world who's more like a sister to me than Maggie (well, except maybe Lyds -- but she's not dating my brother). I'm not sure why it does, but it feels weird. It feels different. Everything feels different. Current Mood: odd Current Music: Paper Bag || Fiona Apple (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
9:58 am	006 - Seven Years in May. Lately, I've felt like this dark, easily-frustrated person. I feel like all the weight of the world has been pressing against me and that all I can do is press back. I can't pull free of it, and I can't slip away. But I just respond to pressure by giving pressure right back. Giving the world hell. That sounds weird, and it probably doesn't sound like it's anything really that bad, even. It almost sounds like it should be a "Way to go, Gina. Way to not let the world get the best of you" kind of moment. But it's not. It's not that I'm having trouble dealing with things. I'm dealing just fine. But I don't like the person I've had to become to make it all happen. I am twenty-eight years old. I have not had a date in four years. I am not a mother, but I have to act like one. I'm raising a seven-year-old and a sixteen-year-old and I don't know if I always know what's best for them, but I have to act like I do. I've been thinking about who I used to be. Seven years ago, I was halfway through my second semester of my Junior year at UNM. I was just appointed as the Assistant to the Recruitment Chair in my sorority, and we were spending late nights in the chapter house planning things for the fall. My mom had just given birth to Elena, and had screamed to my father while she was in labor that this was it. No more babies for her. I had a new baby sister, and I still had two brothers. E was born in April. By the end of May, I was done with school for the year and planning on accepting an internship in Salt Lake City for the summer. I never made it there, though. I guess that's not as bad as Javy never making it to his twenty-ninth birthday. Him being gone seven years doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that he's gone. Diego and I are close now, but I was always closer to Javy than I was to him. He was closer to Javy than anyone. I couldn't go to Salt Lake. I could have, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. I couldn't go back to school, either. All of my sisters from Alpha Chi seemed to forget about me when I didn't come back. I got cards and phone calls when it happened, but when recruitment started up, they used the ideas that I helped form and got so busy... well, it happens. I guess what I'm trying to say is... that Diego's not the only one who wasn't the same after we lost our brother. He's the one who always makes bold dramatic moves so fast that nobody else has time to question him or run after him. He stuck around for a few years in Albuquerque after it happened, then tried a transfer to Las Cruces, just to see if it would make a difference. It didn't. But he never was close enough for any of us to grab on to. I had to internalize a lot of it. I wonder if my twenty-one year old self would even recognize me seven years later. I wonder what she would think. What she would say of what I've become, who I've had to be. I just wish I wasn't so frustrated all the time. I had a good weekend at the big-kid sleepover with Lydia. It was nice to leave the girls with Diego for the weekend and just not think about things. Apparently he got them both to all of their activities, kept them fed and kept them alive while I was gone, but I'm pretty sure that Maggie deserves the credit for that, not him. I need to lighten up and remember who I used to be. I won't apologize for maturing, but I just can't forget how to have fun. Current Music: Sidewalk Annie || Wallflowers (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
12:41 pm	005 - Why Animals Eat Their Young. I was wondering how long the honeymoon period would last. So, here's what I know: 1). Elena has ringworm, and she picked it up from some boogery brat at the YMCA. She probably got it from rolling around on the mats that they have for the kids to take naps on, or from crawling around on the benches. She's a wiggle-worm, and is always climbing all over things. This is nothing new. The problem? Arthur, one of the youth counselors who runs the after school care has decided that BECAUSE she has ringworm, she's not allowed anywhere near the mats. Or the benches. Or the HULA HOOPS for Chrissake. I guess Arthur talked a little too loudly about her to one of the other counselors, because some of the kids overheard him and now they're treating her like she has the fucking plague. 2). Elena would not even HAVE to go to the fucking Y if Diego would pick her up from school like he's supposed to. But he's been "really busy with work" during the day lately -- so busy he can't even answer his goddamned cell phone when I get calls from either of the girls' schools. I had to hear about the ringworm thing via a VOICEMAIL left on my phone because apparently they tried calling my brother first and there was no answer. It'd be one thing if I tried to call him and it rang a few times, then went to voicemail. But I swear his damned phone is going straight to voicemail because the phone is OFF. He's supposed to be my fucking lifeline here. He's the one who has the flexibility to go out to the school to clear something up if need be. Not me. 3). Seattle is not agreeing with Melly. I thought she'd be past the drama right now, but she's just starting shit at school to get attention. Her brother is a COP, so she really shouldn't be messing with things the way she is. She's been getting into trouble, picking fights and flat-out breaking rules. Wouldn't you think that my brother, the COP, would say something to her about it? That he'd try to straighten her out? Oh, that's right. He'd have to be around more often to do that. He takes them both to school in the morning, then I usually don't see him until around 9:30 at night or later. 4). If I get one more damned cold from all the kidlets at the daycare, I'm going to quit and run away to join the fucking circus. Current Mood: irritated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
9:17 am	004 - Family. Oh my god, IRELAND. When my brother managed to make it work out for all of us to go to Ireland to spend Christmas with Maggie, her son, and her family, I was excited about it, but I don't think I had any idea how cool it would be. The only other time I've ever left the country was to go to Cancun for spring break in college, and since that was pretty much like an alien planet, I guess I sort of assumed that any other country I went to would be the same. But we got off the plane, and I watched out the window and saw that things were pretty... normal looking. Well, not normal by Albuquerque standards. Growing up in the desert kind of skews things, doesn't it? But there was a lot of green, a lot of fields and trees. Even in the winter, things are still so green, not entirely unlike Washington at all. The instant I met Maggie's family, I loved them. They made us feel so welcome... they took us in like we were their own children. I don't think I've ever felt so welcomed in a new place in my life. Wait. I don't think I've ever felt so welcomed in any place, new or old. Growing up, I never really noticed that things weren't so warm and fuzzy. I guess it's good that I didn't notice. But then again, a lot of the early Christmases were before Javy died. That got me through most of my childhood, up through some college even. But I can't imagine the difference it must be for the girls. Maybe Elena's too young for there to have been any kind of real impact, but Melly remembers. That's why it's so hard. The bad Christmases are still fresh in her mind. They're fresh in mine, too -- but I have a cushion of older, fonder memories to look back on. I know how things are supposed to be. Mel's probably pretty confused in that area. But, like, as soon as I got to this house and met the family, Maggie's mom was hugging me. It was like I was her own daughter, and she didn't really hold anything back. I know it freaked Mel out, but Elena and I have just been eating it up. This is the first Christmas without my own mother. Even though towards the end, she wasn't much of a parent, she was still the woman who raised me. She was still my mom. I've been grateful that there are other people around to help look after the girls, because I've spent some time by myself. I've done some crying, I've slept, I've eaten so much wonderful food and I've finally had the time to finish the book I've been working through for months now. I've tied myself pretty tightly to my sisters and my brother over the last couple of months. This has been a vacation, and a time of restfulness for me... even if my emotions are a bit screwy and I'm crying some in the evenings still. It's just so overwhelming, you know? Just so much peace and so many emotions climbing on top of each other all at once, in such a short span of time. We've only been here just over a week! We left Seattle on Saturday morning, were in Ireland by Sunday. We're staying for New Years and then we leave next Sunday to fly back home. It's all happened all at once, and all so fast. What a wild, wonderful holiday. I guess that's the only way I can describe it. Current Mood: loved Current Music: Our Day Will Come || Jamie Cullum (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
3:33 pm	003 - Lonelies, Crazies, and Weirdos What does it say about the state of your life when your friends are always trying to set you up with someone they know? The ladies I work with at the daycare all seem to think I'd be the perfect girlfriend for their sons. Lydia, bless her, is pimping out her single friends in my direction. I didn't ask for any of this -- really. I'm okay with where I am in life. I think. I guess I haven't really taken the time out of my schedule to stop and think if I'm okay with it or not. I mean, I work full time, take night classes, and still stay home with Elena and Melly to keep an eye on them. I trust Mel to be home by herself, but I don't trust her to take care of her sister. I still can't believe Lydia. Wait. I take that back. Yes, I can believe it. It'd be silly to put it past her. But honestly, how desperate does a person have to be to start looking on the internet for dates? That's got to rank up there with lonelies, crazies, and weirdos, and I don't really count myself in any of those categories. Talking with Steven was fun, I'll admit -- but it's easy to comiserate with someone over someone as lovingly pushy as Lyds. I don't think he remembered meeting me at Thanksgiving, though I'm sure we did meet. I was busy wrangling the kidlets for the most part. Doesn't it figure -- even when I'm actually surrounded with crazy, fun, grown-up people, I'm still a little kid magnet. Blame my job for that. I think I'm losing the ability to have meaningful conversations with people my own age. Besides, the guy lives somewhere far away, I'm sure. And I spent most of the conversation trying to sound a lot cooler and wittier than I really am. Who could ever get anywhere with something like that? Who says I even want to? Current Mood: curious Current Music: The Show || Lenka (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
10:45 pm	002 - Wrap Around Porch I don't know how Elena and I managed to accumulate so much stuff in such a short time. I mean, we haven't lived in Seattle that long, but already we had a few roomsful of stuff that had to be moved from Maggie's house to our new place. I'm so glad my brother has a truck... I wouldn't have been able to do it with just my little car in any less than fifteen trips, easily. The new house is a lot bigger than the house we all grew up in. Diego still won't tell me where he got the money to be able to afford it, but I'm so grateful for it. I think it's going to be a brand new start, for all of us. Plus, it's close to work for me, and to Elena and Melly's schools. But you know what I like the best? It has a wraparound porch. It's like a southern plantation! There's a porch swing, and that beautiful railing all the way around that's wide enough to sit on and read in the shade of the big trees in our front yard. Did I mention I've never had a yard with trees in it before? They're the perfect kind to climb in, I think. I don't know, I haven't really climbed in trees. Not even when Mama and Daddy took us up into the East Mountains to visit family. I know I talked about how Albuquerque sucked me back in, but Seattle feels more like home than the old house ever did. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
7:55 am	001 - Up, Up, and Away. I don't know what it is about Albuquerque that seems to suck me back in, but the few days I've spent here, helping my sister pack up as much of her stuff as she can, I've realized how much I've missed the place. Actually, I have a love/hate relationship with the city. I love waking up and seeing the mountains out my old bedroom window. I don't think that'll ever change... but I've moved on. I've changed a lot in a year, and I've actually managed to carve out a pretty decent life for myself in Seattle... even if I had to ride on my brother's coat tails to get there. I have a good job. Elena's in a good school. I have great friends that I know I can count on. I think Lydia and I have a better relationship than I ever had in two and a half years with any of my sisters in Alpha Chi. I don't think I ever thought that was possible. Albuquerque is pretty this time of year. We went to the Balloon Fiesta last week, which reminded me of being a kid again. Diego and I took Elena and Melly to the Dawn Patrol on Wednesday to watch the launch... it was good thing we went that day, because after Thursday hardly any balloons have been able to take off because of the winds. Thursday night, Carly and Marcus met us at the Special Shapes Glowdeo, and we saw huge balloons shaped like Darth Vader, a panda bear, dragons, pigs, everything. It was so cool. No matter how many times I go to the Fiesta, I'm always amazed by the size of the balloons, and the sight when they launch. My favorite part is the reactions from the little kids when they see the balloons. Kids run around from basket to basket, asking for balloon trading cards. That's probably the teacher in me talking. But it's time to leave town. We're heading back to Seattle this weekend. Diego has been looking at houses for us online, and he's meeting with a few realtors when we get back. We're bringing Melly with us, so we'll need a place all of us can live. It's going to be an interesting experience, all those Torres kids under one roof again. It'll either be awesome, or it will be a disaster. I've got to believe that this will be for the best. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: After Hours || We Are Scientists (2 Comments |Comment on this)